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So we had a doctor's visit yesterday. It went well. Some "gray" areas were put more in perspective. Not that I didn't like the gray area, but I can't live there forever.

We can now really say, we don't have much time. Unless a miracle falls out of god's hands, and yes, I really hope that happens. Life without my husband will be devestating to not only me, but the kids too. He is looking weaker, and has lost alot of weight. Pain management is an issue, as well as continuing chemo.

I am terrified of the months to come. I am not ready for this. I never really thought we would get here, at least not till we arer 90 or something. People say that i am strong for having to go through this, but I don't think so. I am strong for the kids, for my husband, but not for me. for me, I am weak, and all I want to do is curl into a ball under my covers. If I hide, and pretend things aren't happening, then maybe they won't. Maybe he won't die.

I have to stop here, my eyes are blurred from tears and I cannot type that way......