My husband lost his battle with cancer last night. I went into a state of shock, and began my survival mode. I cant even begin to fully grasp that he will no longer be coming home. I no longer have my lover, my best friend..... Any time I begin to think of him I get nauseous. I am happy that he is finally at peace...... but there are also way to many other emotions that I gotta deal with before I am at peace.
I love you Michael.......R.I.P. 5/7/2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The End
I can barely write, so I am just gonna get to the point. My husband is dying. We have maybe a week or two until he is gone. My heart is breaking to watch this. I do not know what I am gonna do. I have no plans. I am torn between letting him go and begging for him to stay. I know he will be in a better place. No pain, no cancer.
This is all I can write for now. It hurts to much to be grown-up.
This is all I can write for now. It hurts to much to be grown-up.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
What next?
So it has been awhile since I last wrote. Things have been a little crazy, and I haven't had much quiet time to myself to write.
Where we are now.....We had an MRI done last week, and it showed a couple of things, nothing difinitive of course cause that would be to easy, but it did show some concern. He has been retaining fluid for the last two weeks, which isn't good. The oncologist wrote it off as " needing more protein in his diet". Seriously?!?!? I may not have an MD behind my name, but that seems a little like bullshit to me. The mRi showed some "grey" areas along the lumbar area, and some fluid in the abdomen. His wonderful doctor once again said " there was nothing there to be concerned about". Is this guy for real?!?!? I mean I get the whole keeping my husbands spirits lifted, but to lie?? I am pretty sure "nothing" cannot be what is causing my husband a hellified amount of pain.
So we re-visited the radiation oncologist, whom we saw in 2007, but I just got to meet for the fist time yesterday. I like him ALOT. He re-confirmed my suspicion that it isn't nothing, and that we have reason to be concerned. He ordered a PETscan immediately, to which we find out the results of this coming Tuesday. This one will show the whole body, and I can do my own comparisons to any previous scans. Worried, yes. But I feel safe in this docs hands, cause he seems alot more on top of things than Dr.Oblivious.
The nurse practicioner at Dr.Oblivious's office who sees my husband every Monday, has told us that we need to "prepare". Dr.Oblivious on the other had avoids any talk of the "end. It has gooten so bad with his advoidance that I am ready to sue the pants off of his for the emotional and mental anguish of my children that he will be causing in the future by not telling my husnad the truth. I don't want his money, I just want a point made that, skipping around the real issue causes more harm than good, and this is children we are talking about, not adults! My conclusion on him, he's an ass. Point blank.
Where we are now.....We had an MRI done last week, and it showed a couple of things, nothing difinitive of course cause that would be to easy, but it did show some concern. He has been retaining fluid for the last two weeks, which isn't good. The oncologist wrote it off as " needing more protein in his diet". Seriously?!?!? I may not have an MD behind my name, but that seems a little like bullshit to me. The mRi showed some "grey" areas along the lumbar area, and some fluid in the abdomen. His wonderful doctor once again said " there was nothing there to be concerned about". Is this guy for real?!?!? I mean I get the whole keeping my husbands spirits lifted, but to lie?? I am pretty sure "nothing" cannot be what is causing my husband a hellified amount of pain.
So we re-visited the radiation oncologist, whom we saw in 2007, but I just got to meet for the fist time yesterday. I like him ALOT. He re-confirmed my suspicion that it isn't nothing, and that we have reason to be concerned. He ordered a PETscan immediately, to which we find out the results of this coming Tuesday. This one will show the whole body, and I can do my own comparisons to any previous scans. Worried, yes. But I feel safe in this docs hands, cause he seems alot more on top of things than Dr.Oblivious.
The nurse practicioner at Dr.Oblivious's office who sees my husband every Monday, has told us that we need to "prepare". Dr.Oblivious on the other had avoids any talk of the "end. It has gooten so bad with his advoidance that I am ready to sue the pants off of his for the emotional and mental anguish of my children that he will be causing in the future by not telling my husnad the truth. I don't want his money, I just want a point made that, skipping around the real issue causes more harm than good, and this is children we are talking about, not adults! My conclusion on him, he's an ass. Point blank.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
no comment
So we had a doctor's visit yesterday. It went well. Some "gray" areas were put more in perspective. Not that I didn't like the gray area, but I can't live there forever.
We can now really say, we don't have much time. Unless a miracle falls out of god's hands, and yes, I really hope that happens. Life without my husband will be devestating to not only me, but the kids too. He is looking weaker, and has lost alot of weight. Pain management is an issue, as well as continuing chemo.
I am terrified of the months to come. I am not ready for this. I never really thought we would get here, at least not till we arer 90 or something. People say that i am strong for having to go through this, but I don't think so. I am strong for the kids, for my husband, but not for me. for me, I am weak, and all I want to do is curl into a ball under my covers. If I hide, and pretend things aren't happening, then maybe they won't. Maybe he won't die.
I have to stop here, my eyes are blurred from tears and I cannot type that way......
We can now really say, we don't have much time. Unless a miracle falls out of god's hands, and yes, I really hope that happens. Life without my husband will be devestating to not only me, but the kids too. He is looking weaker, and has lost alot of weight. Pain management is an issue, as well as continuing chemo.
I am terrified of the months to come. I am not ready for this. I never really thought we would get here, at least not till we arer 90 or something. People say that i am strong for having to go through this, but I don't think so. I am strong for the kids, for my husband, but not for me. for me, I am weak, and all I want to do is curl into a ball under my covers. If I hide, and pretend things aren't happening, then maybe they won't. Maybe he won't die.
I have to stop here, my eyes are blurred from tears and I cannot type that way......
Friday, January 29, 2010
Today....
So I was told it would be in my best interest to write again..... Yeah, I guess.
The latest news is that the cancer has spread to the bones.....stomach churning, I know. The last thing that we wanted to hear. We have spent the last three years battling this damn cancer, and it won't go away!! It won't stop. Only now it seems to be making up for lost time. He has lost weight, and is in incredible pain. Me, I watch and fear the worst.
I thought watching one of the kids being hust is the worst thing, but watching your spouse, I can't explain it. I feel like I am just watching him slowly die, and there is nothing i can do about it. I can search the web for new treatments, potions, and whatever else is out there, but I know that it may be too late. That no matter what I do, he is going to die, and I will be without my soul mate, the father of my children, and that breaks my heart. I just cry at the thought of going on in my life without him, and god damn it! I don't want too! We are supposed to grow old together, and torment our children, and watch our grandkids grow.
With all this, I must battle my in-laws as well. Specifiaclly my sister-in-law. She continues to berrate me with "what i could have done better from the start". He should have stopped smoking, eating better, etc. You think I fucking don't know this!! That if i could turn back time ALL the tings I would change. I can't even argue because she refuses to listen. No one is right but her. Has she been here, in my house from the start??? NO! For some reason she seems to think that my husband does not have his own mind to make decisions... That I can control all of him. Hate to tell you, but you can say all you want, but you are not here! It is not your husband!
Maybe there is ALOT we could have done differently, but can you please just stop bitching about it?? We can't magically go back in time and change things! We are here now....He is dying, and we must do whatever makes him happy and comfortable.
So here I am. Whatever he wants..... I am here for that. For better or worse, and in sickness and health. We vowed that. I am not going anywhere. I will continue to cry in the shadows, and only be brave and strong in front of him. I don't want him to know that i am dying inside too. I don't want him to be sad.........
The latest news is that the cancer has spread to the bones.....stomach churning, I know. The last thing that we wanted to hear. We have spent the last three years battling this damn cancer, and it won't go away!! It won't stop. Only now it seems to be making up for lost time. He has lost weight, and is in incredible pain. Me, I watch and fear the worst.
I thought watching one of the kids being hust is the worst thing, but watching your spouse, I can't explain it. I feel like I am just watching him slowly die, and there is nothing i can do about it. I can search the web for new treatments, potions, and whatever else is out there, but I know that it may be too late. That no matter what I do, he is going to die, and I will be without my soul mate, the father of my children, and that breaks my heart. I just cry at the thought of going on in my life without him, and god damn it! I don't want too! We are supposed to grow old together, and torment our children, and watch our grandkids grow.
With all this, I must battle my in-laws as well. Specifiaclly my sister-in-law. She continues to berrate me with "what i could have done better from the start". He should have stopped smoking, eating better, etc. You think I fucking don't know this!! That if i could turn back time ALL the tings I would change. I can't even argue because she refuses to listen. No one is right but her. Has she been here, in my house from the start??? NO! For some reason she seems to think that my husband does not have his own mind to make decisions... That I can control all of him. Hate to tell you, but you can say all you want, but you are not here! It is not your husband!
Maybe there is ALOT we could have done differently, but can you please just stop bitching about it?? We can't magically go back in time and change things! We are here now....He is dying, and we must do whatever makes him happy and comfortable.
So here I am. Whatever he wants..... I am here for that. For better or worse, and in sickness and health. We vowed that. I am not going anywhere. I will continue to cry in the shadows, and only be brave and strong in front of him. I don't want him to know that i am dying inside too. I don't want him to be sad.........
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