I realized that I wanted to write this blog in order to "help" someone else in this situation, but I cannot help if all I do is talk about the past......so here is today:
It is quiet in my house right now, and I am still fuming with this weekends crap. By crap I mean all the b.s. that went on, and still continues.... My husband and stepson are the main "crap" in my household. Hmmm where should I begin. My husband tends to medicate his pain with alcohol, not a little, but alot. So with that he becomes Dr Jekell, and Mr Hyde, and he can switch in seconds. So when this happens I tend to just do what I need to do, and hope that he passes out sooner than later.
This weekend, not so lucky. It started off well, and he was a "pleasant" drunk. He decided to take me and the girls to Target. I noticed that Mr Hyde was coming out when he gave the death stare to an employee for cracking a seeminly innocent joke. My husband wanted a camera, and they only had blue, and my husband keep asking, " you only have this color, no black?" and the guy was like "yeah. only blue, but I can spraypaint it black if you want". HA HA. I thought it was funny, Mr Hyde did not.
So home we went, and he drank more. Close to dinnertime he requested a specific meal from a resturant, this meal is a little on the pricey side. I ordered for him, and then decided to order a dish for myself. Mine of course was like $7, his was $13.95 per pound x 5lbs. So I go get it, bring it home, and Mr Hyde was there...... This time it was because I had ordered something for me, and who was I to spend HIS money. Really!?!?!?
It took all that I had not to poison his food.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Round 2
So the first round of chemos didn't do so well. Now it was time for round 2. AHHH Avastian, the wonder drug. FDA approved 2 years before his diagnosis. Side effects wise, this chemo was good. As for helping to "cure" him, ummm not so much. We also through in a little radiation.
I realize that in order to beat cancer you must poison yourself . Don't get me wrong, these drugs do work, but really, I have to ask in terminal cancer, is a few extra months of being completely miserable worth giving up a shorter time, but at least you can function and enjoy that time? I guess the answer really depends on the patient, and until myself or anyone else is in the same position, I really can't answer that.
So back to Round 2. He was feeling better, gaining weight ( thank you Sara Lee!!) WE were spending every moment of every day together. The kids were in school, and we just enjoyed our time. About December of 2006, My husband had a great idea... Let's have a baby! Now mind you that we already have 5 children between us. So yeah! great! another baby! Thinking that it might take awhile to actually conceive since we were a bit older since the last conception, and the fact that he was undergoing chemotherapy, I said sure! Great! Babies are fun, and cute, why wouldn't I want another one!
We conceived almost immediately......
As you can guess he was thrilled, crossing his fingers for a boy, and me, dealing with the "what the F*!k were you thinking" from the whole family. And of course it was my fault for conceiving ( yes it was, I mean women impregnate themselves all the time without help! And since he was ill, I must have taken full advantage of him, as he said "No! Please! Don't! Stop!"
Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
So here I was caring for him, our 5 children, and dealing with morning sickness. Fun. Can you feel my beaming smile through the computer?? No, but seriously, I love my husband to death, and as crazy as some of his thoughts may be, I would do just about anything for him.
Okie Dokie, so here we were pregnant, and dealing with chemo and radiation. Unfortunately the treatments weren't helping as well as we had hoped. Surgery was becoming our only option to "cure" him.
And so ends another post. I may throw a curve ball on the next post and give you my inside view of dealing with family members. And amusing tale!
I realize that in order to beat cancer you must poison yourself . Don't get me wrong, these drugs do work, but really, I have to ask in terminal cancer, is a few extra months of being completely miserable worth giving up a shorter time, but at least you can function and enjoy that time? I guess the answer really depends on the patient, and until myself or anyone else is in the same position, I really can't answer that.
So back to Round 2. He was feeling better, gaining weight ( thank you Sara Lee!!) WE were spending every moment of every day together. The kids were in school, and we just enjoyed our time. About December of 2006, My husband had a great idea... Let's have a baby! Now mind you that we already have 5 children between us. So yeah! great! another baby! Thinking that it might take awhile to actually conceive since we were a bit older since the last conception, and the fact that he was undergoing chemotherapy, I said sure! Great! Babies are fun, and cute, why wouldn't I want another one!
We conceived almost immediately......
As you can guess he was thrilled, crossing his fingers for a boy, and me, dealing with the "what the F*!k were you thinking" from the whole family. And of course it was my fault for conceiving ( yes it was, I mean women impregnate themselves all the time without help! And since he was ill, I must have taken full advantage of him, as he said "No! Please! Don't! Stop!"
Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
So here I was caring for him, our 5 children, and dealing with morning sickness. Fun. Can you feel my beaming smile through the computer?? No, but seriously, I love my husband to death, and as crazy as some of his thoughts may be, I would do just about anything for him.
Okie Dokie, so here we were pregnant, and dealing with chemo and radiation. Unfortunately the treatments weren't helping as well as we had hoped. Surgery was becoming our only option to "cure" him.
And so ends another post. I may throw a curve ball on the next post and give you my inside view of dealing with family members. And amusing tale!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Days Following.......
Okay, I am back, took a few days, but I now have a moment to continue.
After the inital diagnosis, my husband wanted to return home, so we did, which was nice, since I had been spending the nights while he was in the hospital, exhausted and eating spagettios with meatballs, YUM!
After a few days we made our first visit for chemo. Let's see how do I begin such a crappy day? Oh yeah, the doctor decided since we had not reached our deductible yet, and Blue Cross was trying to say that it was possible a PRE-EXSISTING CONDITION!!! ( even though we had been in the hospital) we had to pay CASH for the first visit. Yup, $4500. So here we were ready to begin, and now we were told to pony up the money. We told him he was crazy, know what his advice was??? BEG, BORROW, or even STEAL the money.
Let me stop here and just say that healthcare is great, as long as nothing is wrong with you, and then when you need it, they will find every way to NOT have to pay. Makes you want to stay healthy huh? Believe you me, I was on the phone, faxing stuff, crying at stupid people, you name it I did it. It did pay off to do all that, and it took only about 2 weeks to get it straightened out. But still, the doctor was still a MAJOR ASS for making us cough up $4500 per visit. And yes, we did get our money back as I happily through the "approved" letter from the insurance company in the billers face.
So back to getting "cured". We have the first dosage of chemo, which consisted of a few hours hooked up to an IV in the docs office, and then another 48hrs hooked up at home. It was not pleasant for my husband or me. It was scary, he was just completely lethargic, and had some major blood loss due to the chemo, and where the tumor was. ( He insisted not going to the ER. DO NOT LISTEN to your sick hubbies ladies!!! Drag them there if you have to! You gut instinct is always right, their being a man is NOT!!!)
So this was life for the next 3 months, except for the blood loss, that was just the first time. We did get rid of the asshole doctor though. The one we have had since then is pretty good.
We had a PETscan after the treatment and found that none of the chemo had really helped, so we were on to the next round of chemos and radiation..........I'll save it for the next blog!
After the inital diagnosis, my husband wanted to return home, so we did, which was nice, since I had been spending the nights while he was in the hospital, exhausted and eating spagettios with meatballs, YUM!
After a few days we made our first visit for chemo. Let's see how do I begin such a crappy day? Oh yeah, the doctor decided since we had not reached our deductible yet, and Blue Cross was trying to say that it was possible a PRE-EXSISTING CONDITION!!! ( even though we had been in the hospital) we had to pay CASH for the first visit. Yup, $4500. So here we were ready to begin, and now we were told to pony up the money. We told him he was crazy, know what his advice was??? BEG, BORROW, or even STEAL the money.
Let me stop here and just say that healthcare is great, as long as nothing is wrong with you, and then when you need it, they will find every way to NOT have to pay. Makes you want to stay healthy huh? Believe you me, I was on the phone, faxing stuff, crying at stupid people, you name it I did it. It did pay off to do all that, and it took only about 2 weeks to get it straightened out. But still, the doctor was still a MAJOR ASS for making us cough up $4500 per visit. And yes, we did get our money back as I happily through the "approved" letter from the insurance company in the billers face.
So back to getting "cured". We have the first dosage of chemo, which consisted of a few hours hooked up to an IV in the docs office, and then another 48hrs hooked up at home. It was not pleasant for my husband or me. It was scary, he was just completely lethargic, and had some major blood loss due to the chemo, and where the tumor was. ( He insisted not going to the ER. DO NOT LISTEN to your sick hubbies ladies!!! Drag them there if you have to! You gut instinct is always right, their being a man is NOT!!!)
So this was life for the next 3 months, except for the blood loss, that was just the first time. We did get rid of the asshole doctor though. The one we have had since then is pretty good.
We had a PETscan after the treatment and found that none of the chemo had really helped, so we were on to the next round of chemos and radiation..........I'll save it for the next blog!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
starting from the beginning
September 22, 2006. A date that never will go away. After months of being miserable I finally got my husband to the doctor, and this date is the date of his colonoscopy. You can say he was less than thrilled by having to do this.
I was in the waiting room, waiting, and when it finally seemed a little to long, I asked where my husband was. I was told that the doctor wanted to talk to me. I can tell you that I had already known something was not right, but it's not until they tell you the doctor "wants to talk" that I just became terrified. So I went to the back to see my husband, who was very happily medicated, and the doctor came over to "talk". They had found something, and that something was 99% sure cancer. My mouth dropped, my eyes filled with tears, and my whole body just went cold. My husband on the other hand was still enjoying his medication, so he wasn't as freaked as I was at that moment.
He was immediately sent to the hospital for further tests. Over the next three days the news just kept getting worse, and by day #3, I didn't want to even go to the hospital because, I knew when I went it would be more bad news. So I figured if I didn't show up then hey, no more bad news right? Well I went of course, and just as I had suspected, it was worse.
I thought the initial news that he had cancer would be the hardest to deal with, but then it was stage 4 cancer, and finally that it had metastasized to his lungs.
While I was trying not to pass out from the news, my husband was trying to get an outside pass to smoke a cigarette. He thought " it couldn't do more damage"
Insane right?? yeah, well that was just the beginning of the insanity. With my blog I want some other wife to know that she is not the only one out there dealing with this. Now that you are up to speed with the beginning of what I call "insanity, only worse", I will take you through what I have gone through the last 2 and a half years, and what I am still dealing with.
I was in the waiting room, waiting, and when it finally seemed a little to long, I asked where my husband was. I was told that the doctor wanted to talk to me. I can tell you that I had already known something was not right, but it's not until they tell you the doctor "wants to talk" that I just became terrified. So I went to the back to see my husband, who was very happily medicated, and the doctor came over to "talk". They had found something, and that something was 99% sure cancer. My mouth dropped, my eyes filled with tears, and my whole body just went cold. My husband on the other hand was still enjoying his medication, so he wasn't as freaked as I was at that moment.
He was immediately sent to the hospital for further tests. Over the next three days the news just kept getting worse, and by day #3, I didn't want to even go to the hospital because, I knew when I went it would be more bad news. So I figured if I didn't show up then hey, no more bad news right? Well I went of course, and just as I had suspected, it was worse.
I thought the initial news that he had cancer would be the hardest to deal with, but then it was stage 4 cancer, and finally that it had metastasized to his lungs.
While I was trying not to pass out from the news, my husband was trying to get an outside pass to smoke a cigarette. He thought " it couldn't do more damage"
Insane right?? yeah, well that was just the beginning of the insanity. With my blog I want some other wife to know that she is not the only one out there dealing with this. Now that you are up to speed with the beginning of what I call "insanity, only worse", I will take you through what I have gone through the last 2 and a half years, and what I am still dealing with.
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