Today....

So I was told it would be in my best interest to write again..... Yeah, I guess.

The latest news is that the cancer has spread to the bones.....stomach churning, I know. The last thing that we wanted to hear. We have spent the last three years battling this damn cancer, and it won't go away!! It won't stop. Only now it seems to be making up for lost time. He has lost weight, and is in incredible pain. Me, I watch and fear the worst.

I thought watching one of the kids being hust is the worst thing, but watching your spouse, I can't explain it. I feel like I am just watching him slowly die, and there is nothing i can do about it. I can search the web for new treatments, potions, and whatever else is out there, but I know that it may be too late. That no matter what I do, he is going to die, and I will be without my soul mate, the father of my children, and that breaks my heart. I just cry at the thought of going on in my life without him, and god damn it! I don't want too! We are supposed to grow old together, and torment our children, and watch our grandkids grow.

With all this, I must battle my in-laws as well. Specifiaclly my sister-in-law. She continues to berrate me with "what i could have done better from the start". He should have stopped smoking, eating better, etc. You think I fucking don't know this!! That if i could turn back time ALL the tings I would change. I can't even argue because she refuses to listen. No one is right but her. Has she been here, in my house from the start??? NO! For some reason she seems to think that my husband does not have his own mind to make decisions... That I can control all of him. Hate to tell you, but you can say all you want, but you are not here! It is not your husband!
Maybe there is ALOT we could have done differently, but can you please just stop bitching about it?? We can't magically go back in time and change things! We are here now....He is dying, and we must do whatever makes him happy and comfortable.

So here I am. Whatever he wants..... I am here for that. For better or worse, and in sickness and health. We vowed that. I am not going anywhere. I will continue to cry in the shadows, and only be brave and strong in front of him. I don't want him to know that i am dying inside too. I don't want him to be sad.........